| Sunday, 30-Nov-2003 1:03 AM I'm stressed out :( I can feel it circulating in my blood and supplying all the tissues in my body. I can't even pinpoint the reason. I think life is just speeding on ahead of me and I'm getting my knees and legs scraped being dragged behind it. I don't know if I should even try, because perhaps it will get me more stressed out in the process...we'll see.. Maybe it's my mother, whose visits I'm grateful for but never show it. Her mind is on one million things and she hardly listens to a word I say and I know this, which is why I don't talk about things that really bother me with her. But she brings it up and I fall for it. I start to pour things out and she'll go off on a tangent to something completely unimportant, like asking if we have any icecream. Maybe it's the fact that I start work at the clinic on Monday and I'm worried because I just don't feel like I know all that much and it's not fair to the patients. I just wish there was someone around who understands how scared I am. Maybe it's my sister and her boyfriend. We went out for yumcha today and the whole time he was trying to say some lines in chinese but he only knows a select few and seriously, I live next door to the most freakin annoying cockatoo in the world, I don't need to hear sentences on repeat outside the house. I noticed also that he had a strange need to have my sister watch him do things. Like picking up food with the chopsticks or when he dropped things, it was such a BIG deal to him. I know I'm being bitter and mean and just plain horrid but gees, it's obvious who wears the pants in the relationship. Maybe it's just ME. I'm aiming so high, it's making me nautious. I want security in everything. Job, partner, finance. By security, I'm talking top notch security where there are alarms wired to the freakin alarms. Everything is going off and there's all this ringing going on inside my head. What to do when I graduate next year? Where to go? Will he be a part of my life? Will you? Will they? It's a constant silent battle, between Salami and I. I think we're both trying to get the other to move without making it obvious. I just don't know if it's worth it. I've been riding on the white frothy bubbles that line those six-foot high waves because it tickles my feet and keeps my happy but I know that they'll dissolve as soon as the wave reaches the end of its journey. I don't want it to end and yet I know that it has to, sometime soon. I'm not necessarily talking about us ending things but maybe having to end my relationship with this city, with this life here, with the friends that I can't bring with me. It just seems like such a huge, huge sacrifice and I don't know if I'm ready to do it. Will I ever be? I'm scared, damnit. Saturday, 29-Nov-2003 4:34 PM It's nice waking up late. Changing over to a new computer so it's been taking me awhile since I have SO MUCH JUNK that I don't have the heart to delete on my old one. The poor thing is dying on me. I've had it for over five years which is considered ancient for a laptop. But this is great..I'll be able to burn everything onto a disc now :) It even comes with some webcam thing which looks funky enough but it's not all that good. There's been some big news that I'm not supposed to know about, as of yesterday. It wasn't too hard for me to guess what it was...I'm just..a little stunned. But I'm sure everything will work out for the best. Going to watch the Matrix tonight :) Not really in the mood for it. Haven't even seen the second one because I heard it wasn't too good. Ahh...so many things to do and just no time! I have to clear everything in my room and re-read all my notes before I start clinic on Monday (yikes!). I cannot believe come Monday, I am going to be a healthcare professional. ME. Oh gosh, I just can't see it sometimes. I keep telling myself that I'm the one that knows more, not them, and to act professional and have confidence. Makes me quiver just thinking about it. Look who kept me company during some of my stressful exam-cramming nights: Click to enlarge!
She likes to poke her head between your arm and body and sleep :)
Snoozing under my desk! She was sliding right off my legs there :)
Tuesday, 25-Nov-2003 2:50 PM So they say the hardest part is over. Last exam was over 4 hours ago and I'm HOME. Was hoping to talk to him before he went to bed but he's not around and I'm oh-so-tired. I think I've had one beer too many and about 4 hours too little sleep. I had to wait awhile before I could drive home too and my eyes...man, can they be any more almond-shaped right now?? I can barely open them. Damn does it feel good though. Saturday, 22-Nov-2003 5:24 PM Who would've thought Yesterday's exam really pissed me off. There were just too many sections with too many questions to answer (in such a short period of time) and some of it just didn't make any sense to me. I think I spent more time re-reading the question over than I did answering it. It just frustrated me and I was thinking that if no one else was bothered, then I must not understand english. Anyhow, I wasn't the only one. Everyone was pissed off about it. One section had a column of adjustments that we had to choose from to match some spinal listings but in some cases, you just couldn't use any of the ones written there. It was just ridiculous. I didn't know whether to blindly choose and hope it was right, or to make a note of it. So I did both. I made a note to the lecturer in my exam booklet and then picked one for the sake of answering the question. Before the exam I went to see the doctor. Funnily enough, the doctor wanted ME to have a look at her knee. She said she'd torn both her anterior and posterior cruciate ligament during a motorcycle accident. I didn't know which was cooler. The fact that I'm just a kid and a professional is wanting my expertise or the fact that I now have a new doctor who rides motorcycles. Wednesday, 19-Nov-2003 9:35 PM Go GUY! =D Saturday, November 15, 2003 5:33 PM Just three more exams to go. Come on. Need to re-fuel. It is such a beautiful, sunny day outside and procrastination is not my intention but it seems engrained into my cortex and cerebellum. I can't stop doing it and there's just no overriding control from that higher centre sitting inside my cranium. Sigh. The rugby semi-finals are on tonight too and everyone is going to be watching it but me. I will be locked away, nose in Neurology books. Why does that seem like such a bad trade. Salami's going camping with some friends. They've had some crazy abusive emails going back and forth with the whole organisation of it. The guy who organised it asked everyone what they wanted to eat and since no one told him, he bought food for everyone, which I thought was really nice. But arguments arose about people being fussy eaters and wanting another brand of food instead of what he got and them seeing that as being no big deal. Wtf? I'd be insulted. Sure, you can bring your own stuff if you can't eat what the guy bought, but changing brands...man, just make do for a weekend and eat your special branded mac n cheese when you get home. Anyways, there's more to it but it frustrates me to think about it so I won't go there. I'm just glad Salami didn't have a part in it. Annoyed that they tried to use him as a target though. I called him up just now to see if he was home from this Friday night out thing he had with work people. He drank waaay too much. He sounded real bad and partway through our conversation, he had to throw up. I almost threw up myself just listening to him. Gross. Well I hope he feels better tomorrow since he has a long drive to the campsite at 7:30am. Man, I can't get over the weather. Everyone else is probably out enjoying it, having a bbq and getting ready for the game. Even my laundry is havng more fun than I am. Basking in the sunlight and spinning around the clothesline with the breeze. Thursday, 13-Nov-2003 9:02 PM Woah, I never really knew the extent of projectile vomiting until tonight, when I experienced it myself. I must say, thanks to my quick reflexes and aiming skills, I didn't get any on the bathroom floor or walls. Just in the sink because it was closer than the toiletbowl :) And hmm...third time lucky? My sister cooked again. Anyways, absolutely no time, no time, no time. 4 more exams! If I get another junk email saying to shed some holiday pounds, I am going to scream. First of all, holidays, what holidays?! Second of all, I'm in the middle of exams - which means one meal a day, and seeing as one third just went into the sink, I NEED the pounds. Grr. Monday, 10-Nov-2003 0:24 AM 2x puke and dogsitting. Feeling nautious again. I threw up just now. I can't pinpoint what it is exactly. My sister was saying exhaustion and stress from studying could be the cause of it. Could be. I don't have the heart to point out that both times I've thrown up this week, she's cooked dinner. I'm also wondering if it was the chinese tea I had, since that makes me feel sick sometimes even though I love it (the tea, not the sickness:P) So I hear there's going to be a new reality tv show where Steve Irwin is looking for a new crocodile hunter. I wonder if there's a million dollars involved in this one too. I think I might just pass on it. Although, it would be amusing to see if the contenders try to talk like him :D Yesterday and the day before, my brother dropped off the puppy for me to dogsit. Boy, is she a whinger. First she squirms around and refuses to stay on my lap because she's too excited by the mess in my room and I'm sure the bright blue fuzzy bedroom slippers I have are the equivalent of a tasty big mac to her. Then, when she's done exploring, and I'm done with the excitement of wanting to carry her on my lap, she whines and whines and demands to be carried. Apart from that, she doesn't lack a drop in the cuteness factor. She circles around in my lap and drops her body down, flips her head in the complete opposite direction and hangs her legs over the side of my thighs and falls asleep. It's quite funny because I can feel her slowly sliding off my legs and she's completely zoned out. Silly girl :P I'd put some pics up but I can't upload anything from my camera for some reason :( Saturday, 08-Nov-2003 7:31 PM Wasting time :( It is so hard to keep your head up and continue paddling. Sometimes I feel like breathing in the water and letting myself drown. I'll slip further and further into the dark waters and discover what lies beneath. I've come to realise that I've really pushed myself, hard, to get this degree. I'm almost there, only a year left but it seems like it will be such a short-lived career. Less than ten years perhaps? I have the strongest feeling that once I have a kid, that'll be it. I won't want to go back. I'll lose touch and won't be able to go back. If that's the case, then why not do something easier? The other thing is that I've once again hit the exam blues. I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about. Sitting there, daydreaming about how everyone else is out with their loved one or friends and I'm at home. No breakfast, quick lunch, even quicker dinner. Looking at the birds outside and wishing we could swap places. Sure, I'll even eat worms day in, day out. I'll listen to my neighbours ..the way the mother squeals just as loud as her children - something that's always annoyed me but today, even that seemed a better trade. I'll think about Salami and some of the best times we had. I'll drift off into cloud 9 bliss and then something will burst my bubble and I'll be infused with the greatest sadness because I miss him so much and I can't do a thing about it right now. Ugh, hello, I'm wasting time again. Friday, 07-Nov-2003 9:49 AM Am I glad the week is over. The hectic week is over! Now three more weeks of exams and I can relax for a little. The weather has been so nice the past few days that I've felt like I'm in another city, another country and I can just smell the salty waves of a white sandy beach. The exam yesterday left me headed straight to the mall for a consoling boost juice but the lines were too long so I got a drink from somewhere else and bought myself a watermelon-scented candle from Bayswiss :D Sigh, you don't understand! This happens to me a lot of times. This girl stole my partner for yesterday's exam so I went over to another guy but he was already going with someone else and so I had to pair up with the biggest guy there. I wouldn't have minded all that much if he was just big and ugly but he's just gorgeous and that intimidates me. He always has. So I knew that doing my exam on him was going to be a big mistake. My hands were trembling and everything :P Actually, his were too and I was a little embarassed because he was up first and he was setting up an ilium adjustment so I was on lying my side. He yanked my shorts down to the point where I felt like my buttcrack was showing to the whole world. Actually he tried not to but it kept riding up and you need skin-on-skin contact for all the set-ups so hmm, yes...I guess I can't say that the sun doesn't ever shine there anymore :P I really shouldn't let beautiful people get to me. I immediately think he knows more and is more than I ever will be. But he was nervous during the exam too because he almost forgot a few things and I'm not sure if the nerves had to do with him being all sweaty near his lower back but I think I embarassed him when I tried to take some skin slack and my hand slipped right off. When I was doing the next set-up, I saw him quickly trying to wipe his back with his shirt :) aww...hehe. I finished with a minute to spare, which is quite a lot of time. Enough time to at least set up another two more adjustments and I was thinking about re-doing a few but good lord, he was looking right at me with those eyes and the next thing I knew, it was times up. How the hell did a minute pass by so fast?! I missed Halloween completely :(
I LOVE Halloween but no one here celebrates it. I didn't see a single
pumpkin or witch or ghost or anything spooky. Sigh, Australia doesn't
know what it's missing. If I'm ever in the States in the future
and have kids, man...watch out! I'd make the best costumes! I was
jokingly saying to Salami that it would be cool to have two kids
and he could be in charge of one, and me the other, and we'd compete
with each other to make the best costume and see which kid got Tuesday, 04-Nov-2003 0:02 AM I just threw up. I didn't realise just how little I chewed my food. If you fished out what's in the toilet bowl, one could mistaken it for a perfectly good thai chicken curry meal. Monday, 03-Nov-2003 10:49 PM D.e.f.l.a.t.e.d. This course is so demanding. I'm almost completely worn out. I read words and they all swim in my head. I'm mixing cuneiforms around and walking with a swagger. Two exams today and I pushed myself to study straight after for tomorrow's exam. It was crazy. Everyone was packed into the postgrad computer room, talking loudly, stressing and freaking out. It would have been more entertaining to watch than be part of it. I guess I don't know my body as well as I thought. It was a bad idea trying to keep studying without a break. I ended up going to the car and falling asleep in the parking lot for 20 minutes and then meeting up with friends to study again. Now I've got chronic 'I'm-about-to-throw-up' syndrome and I can't seem to shake it off. I feel nautious and drained. need more energy. I took a handful of assorted vitamins in hopes that something will wake me up and give me some zing and memory power. It's been three hours and no such luck yet! Thanks guys, for all the guestbook entries :) And now, I plod along. I've decided not to keep count of how many exams I have left (I think it's something like 10) but to just daydream about the short December break I get :) Hopefully all goes well. Fingers crossed for the next three weeks! Saturday, 01-Nov-2003 1:17 AM Chilli crabs. I am so tired. There is SO much to do and I don't know where to focus my attention on. Which subject? Which exam? Ugh. Plus, I need not say more than this: my aunt and uncle from Melbourne arrived today. My aunt is so LOUD. Actually, I do need to say more. My aunt...she keeps saying she won't bother me but then she'll ask me to make a chiro appointment for my uncle and ask me for directions there (which took 20 minutes to do). Err.. We also went out for dinner with them and my cousins. That took over 3.5 hours! You know, chinese dinners. All I really wanted to do was get some work done and talk to Salami. Instead, I got almost nothing done and talked to the boy. I was procrastinating beyond procrastinating. I was cutting the hairs on my arm.
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