Wednesday, 30-Jul-2003 9:55 PM

Trust in me

I've fallen in love with Etta James' voice. It's so beautiful, it makes me swoon. I don't understand why, out of thousands of people trying out for Aust. Idol, there isn't at least one person with a rich voice like hers. Not that I noticed anyhow...maybe one or two guys came close. I like the one that said he came here initially as a refugee. I'm rootin for him! I'm also surprised that Norah Jones' song wasn't the one most commonly sung at the auditions. Now if I could sing a tune to save my life, I'd probably pick some golden oldie like 'Unforgettable' :D ahah.. I wish I could sing:(

I went running again today! Felt so good to have the entire field/park/bay to myself. Actually, this asian girl appeared later when I was walking back and we had to walk past each other. When she was about 1.5meters away, I decided to look at her and smile and the poor thing tripped right in front of me! That's the kind of stuff that usually happens to me :) So I felt good in a way because it made me feel more normal and less clumsy (I dropped a mug today - it didn't break though! Plus just now when I was scooping out some very hard icecream, a huge chunk flew out of the tub and for some stupid reason, I caught it with a hug :( I squished it between my arms and tummy. So it smeared all over my pjs :( )

Salami's sick...sore throat and stuff. Could that be the reason he's been talking to me with a complete lack of emotion? Alright, so I exaggerate...not a complete lack of emotion but I'd like to see a little more. I almost expect that from a person who is sick - don't they all want attention and sympathy and chicken soup?

Monday, 28-Jul-2003 9:36 PM

First day back.

Today I found myself talking as though I was completely depressed and not wanting to be back at uni, when I really didn't all that bad to be back. I don't know why. It seemed, my lesser half of me grabbed every opportunity to talk when friends were around. I couldn't help myself. I have no idea why. I guess I wanted attention. Pity. Sympathy. Who knows.

The assignment wasn't even due in today. A lot of people had done it though, so I wasn't the only one. I had that early class today (8am start) and when I got there, there were only about 6 people around and apparently the lecturer didn't even know it was on. So just as we're about to leave, he comes up the stairs (damnit). I had a break after that and headed over to the mall. Walked around a little bit, trying to spot out a payphone to call Salami from. It's stupid...this mall has only one phone on each level. ONE PHONE!??! STUPID.

I have a question. If you're on a payphone (and you know you're going to be a little while) and someone comes along and is waiting to use it, what do you do? Do you think you should get off asap? Do you feel obliged to or do you not care? I asked my friends this and one of them was saying 'Apparently there is a 5 minute rule. You're not supposed to stay on a public phone more than 5-10 minutes.' He had been using a phone one time and someone asked him how long he'd be and he said another ten minutes and the guy told him off saying 'don't you know you're not allowed to be on the phone for more than X minutes?' Anyways, it was an old lady waiting behind me and I felt really bad so I got off and went to another level and called Salami back.

Anyways, it was nice talking to him. Kind of hard to hear him though, what with a million people walking around, doing their daily shopping. Plus some brilliant designer thought it would be great to plant the only phonebooth on the floor next to one of those big amusement riding cars that children are crazy about. You know, the kind that has sirens that go 'Weeee Weee Weee Weee' and an excruciating amount of flashing lights and buttons that don't actually have a purpose. You know where those things should go? They should go right inside the ladies toilets. Or mens. That way the parent can do their business in private and not worry about losing the kid or having them amuse themselves by running havoc and looking under the doors of all the cubicles.

So the first day back wasn't too bad. Cept for the fact that all my friends had started on the assignments given to us during the break. They've all done at least one or two. I hadn't even looked at what the assignment WAS until today :( Ugh. Stairsguy asked me for a lift home after classes ended this evening and I actually didn't mind for once. We talked a bit on the way to the car and during the ride to his place, I whinged to him. He listened. He always does, which is great. I did the whole 'I just want to be a housewife' talk again. Seriously, why do people keep telling me that I wouldn't enjoy that? They're the ones that complain of being bored during the holidays. Nothing to do, they say. Can't stay home and do nothing, they say. Do I ever complain of being bored during my school breaks? Nooooo...never! I never complain about being on holidays! Sitting around doing nothing is much better than stressing out over an upcoming exam. If I were a housewife, I could wake up at ten am every morning, clean a bit, watch tv, do laundry, cook...I really don't mind. I'd also get to do my hobbies everyday! Now who wants to marry me?:P

Sunday, 27-Jul-2003 5:36 PM

Haha, I just got a text message on my phone from my mom ~

HI JUST GOT YR SMS. IN VICTORIA BC. SAW BEARS HAD A GREAT TIME LOVE MUM.

She makes me laugh sometimes.

So tomorrow. First day back at uni. Looking forward to it? No. I did that assignment today and spent the rest of the day trying to enjoy my last day of freedom. Salami said he'd be around early yesterday and today and both times, he appeared over 3 hours late. I'm not complaining because he does apologise and he has good reasons. I'm just upset because I know it means that he'll have only enough time to say goodnight and I might as well wear a big diamond-studded 'L' on my forehead for having waited around for him.

I've taught myself how to juggle! Okay, so Salami helped a bit but there's only so much one can verbally help with. The rest comes from yourself, your own coordination, timing and accuracy. Woo! So I plucked a couple of oranges off the tree in our backyard and got hooked on trying to do it. I wouldn't stop until I did more and more. Hehe.

I also went running the other day. It's the first time I've gone to the park to run. I've just been so paranoid to do it. I hate the idea of people looking at me when I run. I guess coming home and missing him so much made me want to live the way he lives, do the things he does. A few days before I came back, he got me to go running. Don't get me wrong, I love running. I just hadn't done it in a long while and I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of him. But it was fun. I can't run slow, you see. I don't see the point of jogging super slow. I try but it doesn't work. It makes me more tired. It feels like I'm jogging on the damn spot :P So it's either fast or stop and walk :P Which I did. Three times or so. He was telling me how when I pass the bush ahead, I'd have to start running. I'd be like 'what? THAT bush?' and point to one way off in the distance, with three other bushes before it. Hehee.. I was just being lazy :)

I'm going to attempt to run every week, maybe twice a week. Down at the park. It's actually a really nice place to run. There's a short path along the water too. I'm just hoping the weather will be as great as it's been the past few days (still chilly but at least the sun's out for the whole day). Ahh..ok, I'm boring myself with this entry.

Saturday, 26-Jul-2003 10:51 PM

Repeat.

I'm heading to bed shortly as I can barely keep my eyes open. I found out I have an assignment due on Monday...I just started it then :P Gees, you'd think they'd let us have somewhat of a break during our school holidays, no?:P Freaking assignment due on the first freaking day back. What is that??

So I was all set on making that Evil Jungle Chicken dish tonight for my brother and his girlfriend, seeing as I had all that chicken left and all the other ingredients and plus I'd done the trial-run on myself and I'm still alive today. I was in the middle of making it when my brother rushes down the stairs (me hoping it would be from the smell of my cooking) and he says to me 'I'm going out. I'm going to watch the game!' and then I see his girlfriend come down. She says 'you are cooking dinner?'. I just love when she points out the obvious.

SO. Is it groundhog day or what? I just re-experienced last night all over again, minus the strawberries for dessert. Me, alone with the tv. Dinner for one. Dessert for one.

And now it is bed, for one. But I'll be dreaming of two.

Friday, 25-Jul-2003 10:22 PM

Friday, 25-Jul-2003 9:10 AM

I, the Moviestar.

Everything is happening in bursts. Little (and I mean little) bursts of productivity and then large bursts of depression and loneliness. Lynn wrote a really nice guestbook entry which actually made me feel a whole lot better and got me through the day yesterday. Thank you!

Today is a whole new day though, and you'd think that to mean I should start off refreshed, re-energised and good to go but it's quite the opposite. Even yoga didn't help this morning. Or perhaps it did and without having done it, I'd be severely depressed instead of just depressed. I wrote him this email. It's unfinished and I'm thinking it would be a bad idea to send it because all it would do is make him feel sad too and that's pointless. I guess I just wanted him to see how much I miss him and have him perform some crazy miracle and make me feel better by appearing in my room or something.

I can't seem to move. Physically and emotionally.

I just noticed - all the nails on my right hand are bitten and all the ones on my left are long. Eesh. I'm too sentimental and although I really should cut those nails, I remember how I was complaining about how long they were getting to him, and now I don't want to cut them cause they're the very nails from that very moment in time. Sigh. This is pathetic girl. Pathetic.

So I've been told that a good group of friends is what I need to take my mind off things but although I do have some good friends, I can't talk to them about this. No one here really. No one I know will side with me on this kind of relationship. It's unhealthy, they'll say. Impractical. Silly. It won't work - these things never do.

I need a new approach to this. Lots of people go through this. Celebrities even. Hmm..celebrities. Now how about I think of myself as a famous actress, here in this city to do a project, a new movie that's taking 6 months to film. Now I'm thinking, I should give these celebrities more credit. I mean, they work super long hours - they don't have the time to pine away. Plus they can't bring it to the workplace. Okay. So I'm here to do my job. That is my new mantra.

Thursday, 24-Jul-2003 0:04 AM

I am 'home'.

But I don't want to be. I've been back about 32 hours now and I'm depressed. I had such a long flight back but it's funny how the hours go by when you're thinking about someone. I waited in transit in LA for over 5 hours (they also had a 45 minute delay) and then in Auckland for another 15 hours or so but I stayed a night there.

Anyhow, my heart..it's still breaking apart..from the very last day we spent together, to the last [super rushed] hug, to stepping on the escalator and turning around to see him, smiling my weak pathetic smile to try and lighten things up (which only made my eyes well up in tears), to sitting on the plane and thinking about him driving back home and hoping so hard he'd find that note I left for him under his pillow (I reminded myself over and over to tell him while we were at the airport and I forgot!) before he went out to visit his parents for the day, to the lonely , cold night in Auckland, to the lonely cold night back in Sydney.

Being back here and seeing the state of my room (messy as usual), it seems as though I never left. The things I was undecided on packing are still strewn about my room. When i try to remember the tiny details about the things we did, my mind seems confused and I find myself half imagining things, which I really don't want. I want them to be the actual things that happened. Was it his left hand holding my luggage or his right? Did his head drop before or after he turned around to walk away? Did I miss it because my eyes were full of tears?

I left him a string of messages when I waited in LA. The first one I choked up on. He was out celebrating a friend's birthday. A little strange to have it on a Sunday night I had mentioned to him and he said he got them to change it because he wanted to spend my last day with me. I met a nice NZ couple who interrupted me when I was about to call Salami again. They wanted to give me their phonecard to use as they no longer needed it. I talked to them for a while and then headed off to call Salami. On the plane, I sat with another nice couple from Canada. The torture gods sure were on me that day. I tried not to look at them and all the little things they did. The way she'd squeeze his hand or arm. The way he'd rest his hand on her knee. Ahh it was killing me. Once in Auckland, I let it all out in the privacy of my room. Ugh, why do people have to go through pain? I called him at work for the first time (I was so surprised when he suggested it on the way to the airport) and I kept sniffling as we talked. He was pretty reserved with what he was saying because of all the work people around. I couldn't sleep much there. I woke up every hour.

Now I'm back here and it's almost 1am and I'm awake. I just crashed from 4:30pm - 11:20pm, which would have been bedtime for me over there. Oh gosh I miss him. What I really need now is some way to move along and get things done because uni is starting soon and I've so much I wanted to do beforehand. But all I can think about is him and wanting to be back there. Thinking crazy thoughts like how I don't want to study anymore, it's just taking too long and it's too hard and I'll just work at Taco Bell over there.

In no random order - Family, Career, Money, Love. The order of this changes constantly for me ... now I'm at the point where I'm thinking - sure, I'll move, I'll move anywhere, just to be with you. Even if it's far away from my family. Even if I'm working in unfamiliar territory. So Love's at the top. The rest are well...the rest.

Thursday, 03-Jul-2003 11:38 PM

I'll miss my bed!

Packed and ready to go! Okay, not that ready...I'm getting nervous about flying. Johann says the flying gods are with me :D Let that be true! I really wish I'd visited the chiro this week. I'm craving a thoracic adjustment badly :)

Anyhow, I have to sleep. I gotta be up in less than 4 hours :(

I don't think I'll get a chance to update when I'm gone, so have a good time :D Visit these other sites instead!

It's gonna be a long July 4th. I will be in three different counties, four different states. Imagine that. Wow =)

Thursday, 03-Jul-2003 6:08 PM

Mad dash.

6:08pm and I am not yet ready. I'm not completely packed because I've been running around like a chicken with no head (does that theory really work?) doing all these last minute things. I got a new phone two days ago...a nokia 6610 and I don't really like it. The guy was trying to tell me what great features it had - color screen, polyphonic ringtones, blah blah. I just looked at him and he goes 'what?' and I say 'I'm not that fancy'. Really, black and white will do me fine and I actually don't like the polyphonic ring tones. I miss my old tone! Ive missed every call so far because I don't recognise the new one. Anyhow, today I was back at the same mall where I got the phone and I found another store that sold it for about 80 bucks cheaper. Ergh! Although, there was a store two from the one I bought mine from and it was 100 dollars more. It makes me wonder just where exactly these people get the phones from :P

Had another optometrist appointment today. The guy was nice although his voice was so hoarse, it was almost nonexistant. I accidentally found myself talking like him when he asked me questions. Don't you find you do that? If someone is talking really loud, you tend to match them too? Okay, maybe not.

I had to dash over to uni to return a book (spent like an hour photocopying it first) and then I went back to the mall to try and get some kind of phone plan for when I'm overseas. Decided against it. There's a really cute guy working at the store I was at. I even found myself asking him questions I already knew the answer to, just so I could look at him somemore :P hehe

So right now, I better get to it. I am absolutely starving..I just scoffed down a packet of noodles and two kitkats. I figure, this'll be the last packet of noodles I have in a while since Salami doesn't eat that kind of stuff (man, he doesn't know what he's missing!).

Tuesday, 01-Jul-2003 5:45 PM

Courtesy 101

Grr. I am currently pissed off. There's this thing called common courtesy. When cars are trying to get out of a carpark, and there's two groups, you take turns. One from that lane, one from the other and back again. Understand? Obviously not because this woman saw me about to turn and she sped up. Then we waited until the cars were moving again and I thought she'd let me in so I thank her, put up the universal 'thank you' sign with my hand and proceed to go but she nudged her car forward so it was almost hitting the boot of the one in front. AND THEN SHE HAD THE NERVE TO LOOK AT ME AND SHAKE HER HEAD. The car behind her let me in so I was right behind her and I was MAD. Stupid lady dared to look at me in her rearview mirror and I said 'fuck you' and then I sat there, surprised at what I'd just done. I notice her window is down now, as we're all heading toward the cashier to pay and I wanted so badly to stick my head out and call out to her. Give her a piece of my mind. I figure I would just cut in front of her as soon as we got out but the cashier guy made a mistake looking at my ticket so she was long gone before I got a chance to show my roadrage. The thing that irks me even more is that she's a mother. Driving a station wagon and I see a stroller crammed in the boot.

Things like that make me boil. I can't help it and I spend the entire drive home thinking about what I should have or could have said or done. What I would do if such and such situation were to arise. Like if she was in desperate need of emergency help. Like if she were stuck with her leg under the wheel of some car. Instead of helping her, I'd probably drive over the other one.

Okay, so I probably would help her. But man, I'd want to slap her face first.